Did I overstep myself tonight?

Worked, made great money. Had a nice guy enamored and dropping a LOT of money on me.

I don’t lead guys on.  Not like “Oh yeah i’ll go home with you if you buy XXX dances”.  But he definitely pressed me for a date, and went on and on about how much he loved my personality, and would pay me 100$ to say “I love you.”

Its just words right?  Words from an alter ego that doesnt exist.

So I smiled, gave him the fuck me eyes, and cooed “I love you” into his ear.

The entire time, there was this going-to-die montage going before my eyes.  Ex boyfriend saying I love you, Ex boyfriend cheating, ex boyfriend saying I really dont care that much about you, rape, tears, physical pain,Ex Lover asking for my trust, ex lover disappearing, musician not returning calls and always being busy… and bassist/wishHeWasMyLover… who I met last night, asking me “does your job make you appreciate or want this less, from a non-customer?”(referring to kissing/cuddling) feeling safe in someones arms.

“I love you too” he whispered back.  “I want to feel myself deep inside you.  Will you think of me when you touch yourself tonight?”

Dirty money. Skank in my skin.  Burn of shame.

Ow.

I want to write an email to BassistWHWML.  I want to ask him if its stupid of me to feel guilty, like I violated myself.  I want him to smile and say “its only words, what counts is the integrity of your feelings” as he touches my worried face.  But I’m sure he wouldn’t.  I’m sure he would be confused, and would back away.   Or he would feel betrayed, that if he TRIED to love me, there’d be the worry of him not being the ONLY one hearing the words.

So no matter what silly fantasy I’m selling a customer,  I’ve learned my lesson about sinking too far into manipulative mechanical Aria.  Because the real me will ALWAYS be the one hurt by it.

I want love, but I want it on my terms.  And I refuse to compromise the integrity or power of my love.  Not for a hundred, not for a million.

~ by dolcearia on November 22, 2007.