and the cycle continues

With my loneliness/frustration with people, and with poor, dear B.  I really DO feel for the fellow.  One more visit, a couple hundred dollars, and several emails later, he’s looking for minutae  that proove that he’s slowly wearing me down.  Right.  I’m mildly irritated at his brand of hot/cold/intimate letters.

He talked about our “unhealthy disfuctional relationship”.  Uh, its a transaction… not a relationship….

And then the next breathe was filled with how SOLID our communication is, together we can weather everything, how he’s sure he’s seen tiny signs i’m warming up to him, blah bah blah.

I’d kill for those words to be coming from anyone else.  When he talks about how he feels for me, i wish it was coming from someone i could accept it from.

There’s no attraction on my part.  He’s a nice guy, i want ot see him do well, but no amount of loving quasi-erotic emails, and foot fondling will grant him the experience of me jumping on his cock.  That is CERTAIN.

But it still makes me depressed to think of him pining after me, and to see myself, utterly alone, and to remember the “second best” pattern my love life has taken.  I don’t want to be second best.  And he’s the only person i’m NOT.

Why couldn’t those words be coming from STL, or Musician?

Oh yeah, the work me is the only part that’s worth anything.

~ by dolcearia on December 27, 2007.