the prodigal return!

Sorry for the extended silence–I was using other outlets for a bit, ones that people couldn’t find and throw against me in a moment of anger.

At any rate, life moves on.  I felt sloppy today, don’t want to wear contacts or style my hair, but i have to go work.  What does this mean?  Cut apart an old skirt and sew a schoolgirl!  Now i can wear my glasses and throw my hair in pigtails!

I feel productive.

Been busy lately, had a few more clubs turn into clusterfucks.  I’m still holding out hope of finding that one comfy place where i can consistantly make money, and stay there for years, and get good senority. Idon’t like changing clubs.  But for the moment I have a gig doing private party’s as they pop up.  I miss the polework of the club, but the crowd tends to be better.  I thrive doing the party’s.  I’m not sure why i was scared to do it for so long!

But I had my birthday, so my options of clubs have widened considerably.  I just have to bite hte bullet and pessimism and go audition.  That’s the hard part.  I get depressed so easily, and that makes it hard to project working confidence.

Had a visit froma  childhood friend for my birthday.  IT was a learning experience, sadly NOT the bonding one i could have  hoped.  She humiliated me in front of a good friend of mine, and photographer, and was very nasty and insensitive in a lot of ways.  It told me a few things about myself though…. #1. I’ve really come SO very far from the group of traumatized youngsters that was our social circle, and i don’t take kindly to people trying to pull me back into that just because THEY haven’t grown up.  #2.  I’m happy to cultivate other sides of me.  She’s a model-got me into it.  But thats ALL she does.  She never got a normal job, and she’s older than I am now, so that’s dead space on a resume.  So now?  She’s slept with half the photographers she’s worked with, and BRAGS about it, and freaks out because she’s beginning to lose popularity as a model.  BEcause she DEPENDS on people letting her borrow a couch. She doesn’t even have a permanent address.  And all i can see is relief at myself, that I haven’t become that, and won’t.  I am self sufficient, I diversify as needed, and am much more practical.  And I have genuine FRIENDS, not just “people who i happen to be living with at the moment so i’m sure they already know my masturbation habits”.

Sigh.  There’s just those moments you really realize how old you feel.  Talked about it with the friend she humiliated me around-he’d noticed something as well, and we both came away from it more proud of ourselves.  I’m just glad she didnt spoil things, seeing as how him and I have been collaborating on several art projects, and I really don’t think I could stand losing that creative outlet and companionship right now.

Plus, i have a bit of a crush on the guy.  We kissed once, he’s seen me poledance(not at work, but at a performance), but we’re both too “professional” to want to bring anything else up.  Sigh.  Its a shame, because his company really IS stimulating and relaxing-PLUS he’s incredibly intelligent and sensitive.  I love just debating with the guy.
ALso, i finally took the steps to learn aerial acrobatics,and I have a knack for it.  I’ve been picking it up very fast, and i love the strength and the soreness.  I can’t do it enough.  The drops are exhilarating.

Currently I’m working through Corde Lisse, building up to tissues.  Tissues were always my goal, but I’m shocked at how much i love the corde lisse.  Plus, having the guidance has also helped me to push my contortion further. I’m really happy with where i’m heading as an artist.

Everythings been hit or miss, with the economy being so shitty, and the clubs being slow, but i’m a simple girl, with simple needs, so life with my puppy is plenty to keep me satisfied!

~ by dolcearia on July 27, 2008.