lament for a disowned family
Its official. I’m done. Friends have been telling me for forever that I’d be much healthier if I gave up on the blood family, and stuck with the spiritual family.
Last straw happened just a week or so ago. Let the family talk me into taking a trip with them to Mexico, as a way to reconnect, after much prior drama in December when I visited.
THis trip ended up with a horrible fight that followed every unhealthy pattern theyve established. Bad enough that my mom actually came to blows with me.
I’m sorry. I dont allow that sort of violnce from NAYONE in my life. In december, it was my aunt who left bruises. Normally they’re only emotional bruises.
But the past two trips have come to violence. I’m done.
I think people know-in this fight i found myself crying to my aunt, confessing that all my friends couldn’t believe i still talk to the family, and even my THERAPIST said it would be for the better if they stuck to their guns on disowning me, instead of changing their minds and just pretending they said nothing.
Well jokes on them.
I’m done.
For how many times they’ve disowned me, and then “forgiven”: me, only to do it again, the last laugh is mine.
Done. Disowned. I have a new phone, whose number htey don’t have. I’m not logging onto IM to talk with them. If i COULD move just to get a new address I would.
I want to change my name. Have for QUITE some years. But hte events of hte past few months have cemented to me that I am not happy with the identity they chose for me, including name.ANd hte only way i can truly reject all of it is tocut them off, and show them that THIS is who i am-NOT whatyou think my birth certificate says. Everything you think about me means NOTHING.
Its a liberating thought. I just don’t have the money or energy right now to force the name change through. But i dream of it. I have my new name ALL picked out. I use a form of it with all my friends. The family are the only ones who refuse ot get wtih teh game.
They lose. I just wish it hadn’t taken getting blamed for a full out catfight to mae me say ENOUGH.
Abuse is abuse, even if it doesn’t bruise, and is disguised as love.
So no mom, I don’t love you. No, aunt, I don’t love you. No, sister, I don’t love you.Maybe I did once, but I honestly love myself more. I’ve worked for far mmore than you will ever know, and I reject any love that you offer, because you aren’t loving ME, you are loving the image of “your daughter/sister”
Its not a particularly spiritual way to live, but I want the negativity OUT NOW.
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